It makes you think

weird

Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac Agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

out of the mouths of babes

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mum, I've decided to become the Bishop when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

There were three country churches in a small Texas town:

The Mormon church, a local congregation church and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with squirrels.

One day, the local church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Mormon’s who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

NOW THEY ONLY SEE THEM ON CHRISTMAS AND EASTER!


Old Woman Sitting Next to a Missionary

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to a missionary, It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her neighbour.
'Elder, surely you can do something about this... '
To which the Missionary replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.

Three Chairs

Attendance was good in the small Branch of the church and there were not enough pews available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the Bishop, just starting the service, saw the Stake Presidency enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for the Stake Presidency."
Being hard of hearing, the usher leaned closer and said, "Pardon me?"
"Get three chairs for the Stake Presidency," the Bishop repeated. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the Bishop tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Stake Presidency," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Stake Presidency!"

We will still be an obedient people.

Keeping the Commandments
Brother and Sister Jones made their annual visit to church for the Christmas Eve service.
As they were leaving, the minster said, "Brother Jones, it would be nice to see you and Sister Jones here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Brother Jones, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yup," Brother Jones said proudly, "Sister Jones keeps six of 'thm and I keep the other four."

There will be more of us?

The concluding speaker at church gave a rousing sermon about the need for everyone to be active in church, he had based it on the theme ‘the Army of God”
After receiving several hearty handshakes and congratulations on a good talk he was standing at the door of the church, when he noticed one man who didn't attend very often.
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!" the speaker said to the man.
"I'm already in the Army of the God," the man replied.
"How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" .
The man whispered, "I'm in the secret service."

My facebook statuses, that hilarious list in full

Peter Wilkins is a pirate dressed up as a vampire dreamin about being a cowboy

Peter Wilkins has changed his name to Petmimee, the 'mime' part is silent

Peter Wilkins is playing 'the game of life' with an Austrian mariner and a one legged Courtisan and im loosing badly

Peter Wilkins has beaten his record for consecutive years for being alive (posted on his birthday)

Peter Wilkins has eaten his own weight in mince pies (1 week before Chrsitmas)

Peter Wilkins is going to start arriving late for church but maiking up for it by leaving early (to celebrate being released after 9 years as a Mormon Bishop)

Peter Wilkins is saving money by not buying an expensive ipod, im thinking of my favourite song and humming it, when i want to change tracks, ill think of another song and hum that instead.

Peter Wilkins thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever, thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever, thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever

Peter Wilkins thinks his kids are like slinkies, not much use but great fun to watch falling down the stairs

Peter Wilkins wonders if the people who spend £1.85 on evian water know that backwards it spells naive

Peter Wilkins is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll, BRACE YOURSELF

Peter Wilkins says if anything happens to me in the real world al you facebook addicts better start a facebook group in my honour AND IT BETTER HAVE MORE THAN 1,000 NAMES

Peter Wilkins is finally getting over his delusion of adequacy

Peter Wilkins says yikes, you never know what you don't know you dont know about your family

Peter Wilkins thinks my son is awesome

Peter Wilkins has a son who knows his password

Peter Wilkins has got tolet his kids make there own mistakes like my Dad did with me and the cheese fondue

Peter Wilkin is sooooooooo home from Spain

Peter Wilkins is pioneering bring your hampster to chuch Sunday, join in!

Peter WIlkins thinks there are only two kinds of people in this world, the decent folk who finish their status updates and the good fir nothing illiterate wasters who d

Peter Wilkins is just marking time as a Surveyor in London until they open up a MacDonalds in Knebworth

Peter Wilkins is made of meat, the whole family is made of meat even the one who doesn't eat meat

Peter Wilkins is just another man called Peter Wilkins

Peter Wilkins says clever me, ive just secured sponsorship for my parents 50th wedding anniversary or McAnniversary as we must now call it

Peter Wilkins says im so broke i c nnt af ord all th lette 's to upda e my st tus

Peter Wilkins says its just another day for you and me in paradise

Peter Wilkins says give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, magically turn himinto a fish and its sea food platter for the whole village

Peter Wilkins says that Korihor was a wicked fellow, evertime i say his name i hear booing in my head

Peter Wilkins says you are al l just jealous becasue the voices in my head are talking to me and not you

Peter Wilins has bought corduroy pillows, after just one night they are making headlines

Peter Wilkins belives life is for Petering and so do his friends Pete, Peter and the Petemeister

Peter Wilkin is wondering what will happen if you pour water on your keyboard and ty&8$%....

Peter Wilkins is wondering is somebody not editing what i am saying here

Peter Wilkisn wnats to be a hero, he wants to people to come up to him and say hey, you're good at Kerplunk

Peter Wilkins says merry Christmas nearly everyone (You know who you are)

Peter Wilkins intends to live forever, so far so good.

Peter Wilkins says start praying there are some questions that cannot be answered on google

Peter Wilkins is out of his mind, be back in 24 hours

Peter Wilkins is not a complete idiot, some parts are missing

Peter Wilkins is lost in thought, he is in unfamiliar territory

Peter Wilkins is suffering from middle age, his age is beggining to show around his middle