And then they were gone..........

As it happens the end came quite swiftly. One day we had a house with two happy, noisy teenagers in it the next day it was empty and in a strange way I am grateful for that, the swiftness of it I mean, better than something prolonged.

I wander from room to room, his room, her room, the spare room. as bedrooms go they no longer service their primary purpose, to have people in beds asleep in them.

The floors are bereft of discarded clothing, heavy pulsating beats that pass for music no longer seep into the corridors, the towels that once scattered the house sit dry and folded away in the airing cupboard.

And the TV remote, once fought over and guarded now rests on the arm of my chair, secluded and at liberty.

They live on, nothing tragic has happened, my two teenage children have gone to University, different universities, different towns, same outcome here, the childless couple who waited 9 years for children and were overjoyed (and scared) at the prospect are alone together again a mere 20 years later.

People say it gets better, you will enjoy it, look forward to their visits and their departures, but I don't see it myself. I cant see how you ever get your sense of purpose again, or enjoy the quiet and peace.

Mind you, that large empty tidy bedroom would make an excellent study/rec room, you know to while away the empty hours in a lounger,with wifi and a hobby or two.

Now where did I put that tape measure......

Yellow friggin fear

Here is a great quote from the movie; Joe Versus the Volcano

Joe Banks: And why, I ask myself, why have I put up with you? I can't imagine, but now I know. Fear. Yellow freakin' fear. I've been too chicken shit afraid to live my life so I sold it to you for three hundred freakin' dollars a week!

Its one of my favourite films, no its my favourite film, my absolute favourite.

Its basic premise is a man can overcome fear, fear that holds him back for years and years, but only when his own mortality comes sharply into focus. Freed from the shackles of fear he almost completely rejects his own mediocre life and takes on this whole new exciting fulfilling life, he has been duped into believing he is going to die, but in many ways that is just the back story, its overcoming fear that is at the films heart.

This week I've been at home, I've thrown out my back and am hobbling around with a walking stick, I've had no other option but to sit there and watch TV, I've been watching breaking bad. Almost out side of the plot line Walter sits down with his brother-in-law, a man he doesn't like all that much and this is what he says.

WALTER WHITE  I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen, 50-years I spent like that. Finding myself awake at three in the morning.  But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine. HANK  Hmmm...okay. WALTER WHITE  What I came to realize is that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. So, get up, get out in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.

And I was so impressed with those words, I'm older than Walt and like him I've spent lots and lots of my life living in fear, and what's worse he is imaginary, a made up character in a TV programme and he has learned something I haven't. Mind you he is dying from inoperable lung cancer, I am very much alive So am I going to have the road to Damascus conversion and become a fearless warrior? a man with no fear? ready to take on young punks, drug lords, my own family and my employer? No chance, no friggin chance, but I am going to ask myself as often as I can, what are you afraid of, just go and be something, be alive. DON'T LIVE IN FEAR ANY MORE. So today I'm sitting on a train, first day back in London (what a stink hole that place is) and the train home is cancelled, another one along in an hour, I limp dejected and in pain to a seat in the concourse. Then it dawns on me, catch an express train home, my ticket may or may not be valid, what will the ticket inspector say? well who cares, you cancel a train on me and I'll catch an express. coz I am a bad ass. Overcoming fear by Kaizen. Maybe I'm onto something................