My life in numbers.

Fillings: 2 Yes you read that right, two and all my teeth currently in place and reasonably white.

Grey hairs: 3 Yep, right again. I'm 54 and I have three grey hairs. Admittedly I plucked out rogue early insurgents for a couple of years but have given up the futile fight and embraced the grey, I shouldn't have worried, I can live with a grey hair count of 3.

Height: 5ft 10 inches. Down from a high of 5ft 11and a half inches. Where did my inch and a half go? I k ow what I was at 18 when I was measured for my missionary service, I'm shrinking, If I live to be a hundred I'll be shorter than Debra.

Hours sleep each night: 5 hours 30 minutes. Thanks to a Fitbit I now know my sleep patterns are rubbish, once I could sleep for 7 hours and that was great, given free range I'd sleep for 10 hours, now an aching back, stress from work and a kicky wife have all combined to reduce my minute count to 330 minutes. Hurumph.

Vision: 20/40 and falling. I have glasses. I'm ok with that, in fact sometimes I think they make me look sophisticated other times I look a nerd.

Waist: 38 inches. Not so good. Gone are my 30 inch around the middle days. I had lost some weight but not any more, I pulled out all my trousers from 2012, they fit again. Good times.

Creases, lines and furrowed brows: 200 (approximately) no amount of moisturising in my forties made any difference, I am a slave to genetics, and creased up old faces is a family thing.

Sperm count: 15 million per millilitre. Ok, a bit of poetic licence here it has been many years since my healthy 25 million per millilitre count containing many with broken and twisted tales so I've extrapolated the data and reduced. I've still got it though, I could beat Charlie Chaplin's record yet.

Years alive: Infinity. I expect you wondered how I was going to finish this blog, well here you go. I have always existed in some form, matter unorganised and I will go on In some way for the rest of eternity, crumpled face, rotund belly getting shorter and shorter, forever and ever amen.