I've been wondering why my selfies never turn out like other people's and then I remembered I'm a Womble.
In a conversation in which an elderly neighbour was trying to appear cool it became evident that he thinks you're meant to emphasise the 'J' of 'DJ' #hissonisadjayyouknow
It looks like another year has gone by without anyone referring to me as "breathtaking".
This makes like 50 in a row.
This bruise is from walking into a table while looking at my phone and this one is from walking into a door while looking at my phone and th....
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
I'm starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the security locks to this strong room or if the other employees simply don't like me.
My FaceBook posts:
1. Overheard in my living room = always true
2. News jokes = partly true
3. Other stuff = probably a lie
This one's true.
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?"
384 my liege
"Ok, round them up"
400 my liege
My favourite moment from being a parent; watching a child crawl past £100's worth of toys to play with the rubber door stop behind the door.
No really, the chance to be an immortal, omniscient-ethereal being, transcending all time and space for eternity? Because It's important to have ambitions, my friend.
Heard "Lyin' Eyes" by the Eagles & flashbacked to Debra blasting it out on the family hi fi early on Saturday mornings..................Explain yourself, Wife.
If my dad were alive he'd say something like 'if you're well enough to Facebook, you're well enough to go to work'. THEY'RE NOT THE SAME, DAD.
Nobody's normal. If you think you know a normal person, it means you don't know them very well.
I don't believe in The Loch Ness Mobster; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ukulele recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
Increase your chances of fitting in at the gym by pulling a face like you're trying to pass a piano whenever you lift something.
I'm sick with a cold so I've decided to use my new powers for good and cough all over the lottery ticket buyers on the tube in the morning.
You're welcome.
I get unreasonably angry when my kids get up before 9 on a Saturday.
You're young. you're supposed to be lazy, go and be lazy.
You're so artsy that I can't handle all the cool I feel a seizure coming on.
Remember to check your smoke alarm on a regular basis by very slightly burning a piece of toast.
Typical Monday night rituals:
•fold all your children
•steam the lamp
•boil cereal for the week
•throw out expired underwear
•wash lawn
*walk the dog no more☹️
Hang on, let me overthink this.
The story of how I wound up playing an instrument in a prison orchestra is confluted.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Just before dying, Seamus Heaney texted "noli timere" to his wife, Latin for "be not afraid," a thing angels often said to terrified humans.
Some train companies will make you buy an extra seat for your balloon animals. The trick is to inflate them after you're already on the train.
It takes a whole village to raise all the calories I just ate in one chicken caesar salad.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thanks x.
If you sneeze & miss my "bless you" because you're busy sneezing a 2nd time, shame. I can't be blessing people all day long like I'm the Pope.
Insomnia again. Im thinking to myself, "What would my wife do?" So I put on a one direction onesie, drank a coconut water & watched 8 episodes of Say yes to the dress.
I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hated my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who ruined my life.
Remember when you were pregnant for the first time and you said things like, "I won't let my kids eat in my car."
Have you noticed one shoe laying forlornly in the road? My grandad invented that. One day he took off his shoe, put it in the road and said "Och eye this is a thing now."
I'm 55, but I still feel 25 if I'm lying down and not moving.
You can either agree to sing Bohemian Rhapsody loudly in the car with me or you can walk home.
If you didnt see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.
Saturday night, everyone in the house is asleep. Now it's just me, my thoughts, and the malevolent spirit which terrorizes our home
Worth reflecting that the last time LABOUR won a working majority without Blair as leader was in 1966 - 51 years ago.
Well, Holiday is over, so my facebooking is bound to improve. Nobody likes a happy old man with time on his hands.
My strongest memories of school are that it took very little effort for me to pick up all of the following nick names, Wonko Wilko, Wilkinson bored, pilky wilky, walky wilky wonder hands and wee willy wilkins.
Please keep this to yourself.
This is a long shot but if you are the young blonde girl Who asked me for directions to Starbucks at Moorgate today, can I just say you pronounced hyperbole wrong.
From now on I am keeping a monogrammed handkerchief on me at all times in case I ever need to comfort a stranger very quickly without slowing down the plot.
Not to brag, but I'm the reason when we are in meetings the Bishop has stopped saying there's no such thing as a stupid question."
When my brother was a little boy He had eye problems and briefly required a patch. That's right- he was a toddler pirate. I was so jealous. Neither one of us will ever be that cool again.
I have tricked our cat by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking cat syndrome" while he was on my lap. He looks freaked alright.
The fight is real.
A good way to avoid a shark attack is to immediately turn on your vacuum and use it to chase him out of your house.
Next time I'm at a restaurant I'm going to take a leaf out of my cats book and shout until someone covers the empty bits of my plate with more food.
I strongly believe that, after 40, women shouldn't have any more children. 41 is far too many children for one woman to have.
Today, when I got up in the morning, I looked in the mirror & did a little double take to check it's not Gary Oldman playing me.
When the aliens came to harvest our bones we, as a people must stand up and say "Hey, we need those. You have exoskeletons, you can't even use them."
Avoid becoming embroiled in a controversy about being paid too much by choosing a career as a building surveyor.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't work out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
Hi. Can u all refrain from mentioning the 72BC Battle of Cabira please? I lost an ancestor in it & don't want to be reminded of it. Thanks
Heart: I just want people to like me.
Brain: But you say weird things.
Rock collection in the attic: And your forehead is getting very wrinkly.
Only three good things will ever happen to you. When you're too old to dream of being a professional footballer you're down to two.
If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.
What's everyone's plans for Sunday afternoon? I'll go first. I'm going to go home & make sure my cat didn't throw up in the kitchen while we were all at church.
I love going to my gym, the car park there is quiet and shady and the perfect place for a nap.
My Daughter is always being accused of jumping on the bandwagon. To be fair though she has stolen MCR's tour bus several times.
Hear ye this, I have been silent on this serious matter TOO LONG.
Like this status if you think cafes should provide steak knives if you order baked potatoes.
Feast on the very parchments of my wisdom. Let the scratchings of my quill expand your mind.
I'm so angry I could meet a horse.
There are times when my stomach is excessively full & my brain says, "Eat some food & you might feel less full" and it's never ever true.
I'm not awake at 03:25. I've trained myself to sleep Facebook.
