Bloody hell, i've got a brain tumour!

Seriously, no word of lie, I (may) have a tumour.

And if your doctor is sending you for an MRI scan then whatever you do never, ever, ever google symptoms of a brain tumour. It will terrify you.

Actually, the terror is on my ability to read the symptoms written down on the screen and then apply them to vague elements of my life and say, 'hey, I've got that.'

And so here it is,

Nausea, well that's me, i have been sick three times this month, maybe I'm bolting my food and am too old to be gobbling food without chewing it.

Neck stiffness, well yes. i get that, sort of. i stretch and exercise it everyday to keep some perspective but yeah I absolutely have that.

Poor coordination; Well didn't i drop the sacrament cup at church? spill food at a Fresheats event, walk into the living room door, tick. (possibly)

Headaches; this may be the one symptom i do have, early morning headaches that get better when I'm up, I have that, i totally have that.

And there are numbness, loss of sight, fits, mood swings, well no, none of these but as you know I'm dominated by self interest so I have ignored them.

So there you have it, i have a tumour and I'm going to die, probably soon. This mat even be my last posting. Farewell.

Blimey, Wilko that's all a bit self indulgent, you haven't even been to the hospital. in fact if i were you I'd leave this in your draft folder.

2014 - the year in bite sized chunks

On 01 January 2014 at 23:00...

“Slept till about 10:30 which you are supposed to do on New Years Day.

Then forgot City were on TV. At 12:45 which you most definitely not supposed to do.

Rowed with Debra because she wouldn't let me watch the last 10 minutes as she already had some oft repeated American crap on when I rushed in so I fumed in the kitchen watching it on the tiny teeny tv in there.

Had a nice evening and quickly made up with Debra.

Watched the new Sherlock, all of us in the living room together, like the olden days.”

On 09 January 2014 at 18:28...

“Not a special birthday unless you are a pack of cards, then it's something of an anniversary.

I am 52 years old. Wow is me for I am undone.

Debra and children super fab nice to buy me presents and cards. Mum gave me money.

An waiting to go to Nando's the home of cheap birthday celebrations. Yahoo.”

On 10 January 2014 at 12:00...

“I am a gangster from 1975. But it's my birthday so I can do what I want.”

On 11 January 2014 at 20:38...

“Migraine over. Now it's hyper time, can't sit still, can't concentrate. Wow is me.

wrote a super funny Facebook status. Everyone is lolling at me.

Am looking through the inter web net thingy for a car I can afford. It's a search and a half.

Tomorrow is first of ward conferences. I am prepared. Lessons will be learnt.

Alex home for one more day, Lily already back in Nottingham. Feeling sad about this.

I love my family.”

On 15 January 2014 at 23:00...

“City wiped the floor with Blackburn Rovers, which was nice.

Feeling very very tired lately , probably just winter blues but I could sleep for a week. (Except when I'm trying to get to sleep.

Hair too long but I rather like it so am going to leave it in place for now.

Worried I have too much work and not enough oomph to get it all done.

X”

On 21 January 2014 at 23:00...

“Went to a Football match. City won 3-0. This winning streak will never end........

Left early for the first time in 30 years. Nothing says old manure than leaving early to avoid the crush.”

On 23 January 2014 at 23:00...

“Thank goodness the audit has finished and I can start living a life again.

I also think we may have dodged a bullet but I'm saying nothing more.

Still too tired to think straight. But that's January all over I suppose.”

On 28 January 2014 at 23:00...

“Alex is home and he is unhappy.

Doesn't like Uni and says he won't be going back next year, doesn't know what else to do.

I love that boy and want him to be happy with a bright future. I have no magic wand and anyway he is 18 and needs to walk his own path. Sigh”

On 31 January 2014 at 14:19...

“SAHA away day. All the AM team except Tony and John. We had a fire awareness training session a talk from HR and scopes out a client brief for the new SoR Contract in Nov 2014. A good day to end a busy and eventful week.

Also my weight is creeping back up. Now 13.13. Up from a low of 13.7 Damn you Christmas and damn you chocolate and damn you lack of self will.”

On 02 February 2014 at 16:00...

“Gave up on my fat at about 1:30pm . This was very distressing but I felt very peculiar and faint. Now I've done it once I'm worried it will happen every time.

Once eaten I felt fine so went to my meeting in Hitchin, drove to Southend to see Pat and Alan and enjoyed a short evening.

Debra finally on the mend. Had had fatigue and symptoms for weeks and weeks but she just keeps on battling. I love and admire her.

On 03 February 2014 at 21:00...

“I'm taking every evening this week off. No late night work, no church, nothing. So there.

Caught up on Telly and wrote some killer Facebook statuses.

Missing Alex not being at home.”

On 05 February 2014 at 21:00...

“Had a training event in Reading so met Alex for lunch.

We had a laugh. I worry about his future and his happiness but at lest he will talk about it which is more than I ever did at 18.

It was over all too soon and it was a very sad journey home, later I enjoyed my evening of gym and nothingness.”

On 13 February 2014 at 23:00...

“Valentines Eve.
Being long married and therefore older and wiser we went out tonight instead. A very nice meal at ASK. We talked and shared and had a good time.

Debra will wake up to flowers and chocolates and a CD. I'll get something nice too.

All good, all good.”

On 16 February 2014 at 22:25...

“Today we went to Church at Catford to say farewell to Joel Butch who is off on a mission to Scotland/Ireland later this week. 2 weeks in the MTC at Chorley and then to Edinburgh. I am excited to see him go and I'm sure he will be a great success as long as his health holds out and he can draw down on the spirit.

We've all had rotten colds and spent the afternoon resting ready for tomorrow.”

On 18 February 2014 at 22:00...

“Debra's birthday a day to shop. And shop we did in the morning and afternoon with lunch at Coast to Coast thrown in. Surprisingly I enjoyed our day together. We bought an M&S finest meal in the evening and Debra was fast asleep by 9pm so I even got watch the second half of City v Barcelona.”

On 02 March 2014 at 23:00...

“What a day......... Went to first 2 hours of church then to Southend. Pat looks very thin. Not well at all. Then a brief stop in Harlow to see mum then a drive in serious rainfall to drop Lily back in Nottingham

As a close my eyes to sleep all I can see is rain falling on a windscreen.”

On 14 March 2014 at 06:10...

“Insomnia. Everything aches my index fingers. My big toes and my knees - and don't even get me started on my head.

I'm dog tired and now it's time to get up I've got a seminary class to teach and so I've got to be upbeat.

Good news - I've got a week off after today and nothing planned and that's what intend to do, nothing.”

On 20 March 2014 at 22:00...

“So the fraud case brought against President Monson has been thrown out. It was an abuse of the courts process and the warrant for arrest should never have been issued, of the few people who knew of the case most LDS were not worried, most weren't really interested but I admit to being quite concerned. Courts are funny places and judgement isn't always fair and equitable.

Tom Phillips who brought the case is talking big about shocking evidence he can now present to the world which sounds like the bluster of a sore looser.


Here's hoping the six figure cots of defending the case are passed to him personally, that sounds very un-Christian but really I'm hoping it will give him something else to concentrate on and stop bothering us.

Spent time last night reading FAIRmormon site on book of Abraham it is a strange old book but they do explain some of the anomalies of its translation and publication.”

On 23 March 2014 at 08:01...

“And just like that it was all over. The week whooshed by as I knew it was and Sunday is here. I'm off to the last ward conference in Harlow today, last presentation and last time hearing all the talks again m. I've quite enjoyed it.”

On 31 March 2014 at 23:00...

“Indexing. I learned to do it this week and now I'm in the charts.”

On 06 April 2014 at 23:00...

“That's conference then. It was uplifting and some of it seemed to have been directed straight at me. I need to worry less about the affects of the churches enemies because they can't bring down this great work. The Prophet of course knows this and doesn't let it distract the real work. Try and remember this Pete.”

On 11 April 2014 at 12:00...

“Damn this game we call golf is frustrating. I'm NEVER going to master it and it is responsible for more anger and bad language and angst than anything else, and then on the 18th I unleashed an approach shot tiger would have been pleased with.”

On 12 April 2014 at 18:05...

“Today.

Woke up 8am.

Went and got a hair cut, took Alex to Asda to get shirt and trousers for Fresh eats. Loaded up the cars and drove to Luton.

Did 3.5 hours of serving and clearing then cleaned up and came home.

Cut the grass and went to B&Q to but stuff then planted tomatoes and peppers. Finished up putting all the equipment back in the bedroom.

And that my friend is a busy Saturday.”

On 19 April 2014 at 21:10...

“Easter, so far so good. Yesterday Mum and David and his family came to visit. It was all a bit last minute so we had a BBQ.

It was warming and relaxed and there was plenty to eat and drink.

And we took this picture.”

On 21 April 2014 at 12:09...

“A day at Woburn Abbey Safari Park. Who'd have thought that with children aged 18 and 20 we'd be off out for the day as a family, but here we are.

It was nice and warm, the animals were interesting, nice picnic and apart from a dodgy car all went well.

Here is a picture of a giraffe as it lopes along to get something to eat.”

On 22 April 2014 at 12:00...

“Only 4 more weeks of seminary. No ones listening or learning and no one believes. Don't know why I bother. Actually I do. I'm sure something is sinking in and will be of use when one of them needs God. sigh.”

On 27 April 2014 at 16:00...

“Stake Conference quote;

Teach your children value and don't give them everything they want and live your lives so you help them get a testimony. All this was gleaned from a Elder José A. Teixeira expounding on 1 Nephi 1:1.”

On 07 May 2014 at 23:00...

“Today was a good day to be a Man city fan. 4-0 to the blues and the title race very nearly sown up.

I did get royally soaked though and slept badly but this will not dampen my spirits.

My out never grow out of football.”

On 11 May 2014 at 18:54...

“And so to complete a magic week of football we've only gone and won the Premier league.”

On 13 May 2014 at 09:17...

“I am at a Senior Management team training dat where I have taken a Myers Briggs indicator test.

"I am Quiet, friendly, responsible and conscientious. I work devotedly to meet obligations, lend stability to a project and am concerned with how others feel."

Sigh. I hate it when the psychology mumbo jumbo is so accurate.”

On 23 May 2014 at 23:00...

“I will be glad to slam the door on that week. Rubbish meetings, bad communication, busy evenings, kids away, broken car, sickness, insomnia, seminary nonsense, this week had it all and it can keep it. I've locked the front door and that's it only a house fire will get me out the door tonight.”

On 13 June 2014 at 19:11...

“And so to the Ballet. Romeo and Juliette at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a wonderful experience.”

On 29 July 2014 at 12:25...

“Sometimes I sit in a work meeting and simply want to run away or internally combust or worse.

This particular meeting is dull, dull beyond belief and it just seems to be going on and on and on and on.”

On 24 September 2014 at 16:00...

“Back on the 34th floor of the Herron Tower, awesome views, expensive drinks and I'm at my witty best. The wind is ruining my carefully crafted hairstyle. #firstworldproblems”

On 25 September 2014 at 10:47...

“There is nothing like waiting for a meeting to start where you know you are out of your depth. I've got that right stressed feeling in the pit of my stomach, I need to pee again and it's only been 15 minutes since I last went and I'm thinking why am I here. And how can I get out of it. About to meet lawyers, loss adjusters, angry and upset neighbours and there's just me to sort it out. #earningmywagestoday.”

On 15 October 2014 at 09:13...

“Working from home. Some people should just get up and go into work.

After I've walked the dog, visited the Doctor, checked Facebook, watched cash in the attic, updated my football predictions and sorted my work bag its lunch time and after lunch I've got to bring in some veg plants and....... Well you get the picture, not much work which means I end up working til 8pm to make up for it. Best just go into the office in future.”

On 23 October 2014 at 23:14...

“Had fab time at SAHA ping pong challenge. Didn't win. Hilariously doctored photo to remove pint of beer.”

On 30 November 2014 at 20:31...

“Today is Christmas tree day. A time honoured Wilkins family tree putting up day. (One day early.)

Found the tree in the loft without incident, assembled and decorated before Sunday lunch. Alex was home and my Mother was also here.”

The perils of commuting

Its not the life I was hoping for, if I'm honest. Waiting for trains, hoping for a seat, agonising over timetables and upgraded lines and weaving cunning plans to get the best price for a ticket.

I spend 90 minutes in the morning getting to work, if I time it right its 80 minutes coming home. I had planned to calculate how much of my life I have spent traveling to and from work. The figure would no doubt be too depressing, far to depressing.

Instead I will think for a bit about what productive and useful things I have done during that time, no hold on I've slept, read the newspapers and stared into the distance.

Well maybe I should ponder on the far and exotic places I have travelled to and the interesting people I have met. Ah, that is also a bit disappointing also, I've travelled from Knebworth to Moorgate via Kings Cross (or sometimes Finsbury Park.) Thats the same journey over and over and over again.

I've sat or stood in every one of the eight carriages that 'they who are often renamed' have put on, sat in luxury, stood in the corridor, squeezed and pushed onto grossly overcrowded carriages and sat in emptiness wondering where everyone else is.

I hate it, I love it, I'm looking forward to retiring and I'm mostly glad I have a job.

My name is Peter and I ride the train to work.

Rodney Joseph Wilkins 25th January 1939 to 27th June 2012. A Eulogy.

Here is the text to the Eulogoy I gave at my Dad's funeral in 2012, its been 2 and a half years.

Hello, and thank you all for coming today. I have always thought of funerals as a time to pay tribute. A time to remember and A time to grieve. It is part of the processes of coming to terms with loss, My Father impacted us all in various amounts and various depths, some here will be in deep mourning, others are here to show respect, whatever the reason, however he may have impacted your life, we thank you for coming.

(I am aware of all that my Father was, I lived under his care for 18 years, and knew him for 50 years; today I choose to honour him and to speak only well of him.)

He would have been quite happy to admit he was born into poverty, in an East end family, to very young parents, born at the end of the world’s worst ever depression and with a world war looming less than a year away.

Uncle John could probably give us a bit more detail, I wasn't there and Rod did not talk much about his childhood, he talked about playing on derelict bomb sites, rationed chocolate, he remembered owning his first pair of underpants and the lows of going to school before his Mum could afford to buy him any, he loved his little brother and looked out for him, That may sound like a bleak childhood, and my brief account hides the bleakest facts in the family home, he wouldn’t want me talking about them today, in spite of all this, when he did reminisce, he spoke quite fondly of those times.

He signed up to the RAF in 1958, he got married in 1959 and he never returned to London to live, in 1962 he made Harlow his home, for a man that was happy to embrace change, I was always surprised he never moved home again, he told me he would die at home and true to his word he did just that.

How do I remember him?

• He showed me how to draw world war two fighters,
• He had an encyclopaedic knowledge of world war 2, he had a lot of knowledge about lots of things,
• He had strong teeth and a full head of hair, David and I are grateful for genetics,
• He wasn’t much for fun and games but I remember He was the King of Space hopper races in our home, undefeated from 1970 until 1973.

For holidays we camped which he quite liked, later we caravanned which he loved. There was often a car that needed fixing; his, Mum’s, mine, David’s, my Grandad’s, a neighbours, a friends, a friend of a friends. There was nothing he couldn't take apart, mend and put back together, when my aged Vauxhall Viva’s engine threw its big ends (or something) he had a second hand engine sitting in the garden, it hadn't worked for years, but it gave my Viva another 2 years life. He wouldn't take any money for the hours of hard work. Until quite recently if you needed the engine mounting bolts loosened he was your man, he was unnervingly strong.

He was a dog lover, maybe we get to keep our pets in heaven and he is up there now with the string of dogs he owned, Lucky and Trixie, Sally, Gunner and Kizzie, even though he didn't do the feeding or the dog walking or playing fetch, they all seemed to gravitate towards him, though that may be because he didn't do the rotten stuff either, like taking them to the vet or wash them.

He didn't have that little voice inside our heads that says; ‘actually this is dangerous’ for instance he had a hankering to take up scuba diving again. So instead of taking the normal route, lessons in a swimming pool etc. he made himself a wet suit, constructed a re-breather devise that seemed to involve Potassium Superoxide, he melted down lead and poured it into moulds to make weights, cut out and glued his own wet suits and away we went, our young men/ young women’s activity to a water filled gravel pit near Dobbs Weir must count as the most dangerous youth activity ever put on by Harlow ward but also the most memorable.

At various times in his life he built model aeroplanes, messed about with walkie talkies, he loved fighter jets and motor cars and on the rare occasion he read a book it would be science fiction.

He used his diving skills to great effect working as a diver on the North Sea and in the Middle East, he apprenticed as a car and van mechanic but was at various times a fireman (in the RAF), he worked in the Construction industry, sold caravans, encyclopaedia’s, freezers and power tools, he ran a crane business and a car repair business  and he’d give up a job on the flimsiest of pretexts and he would usually get another one, even in the most difficult of economic times. Until quite recently he drove a mini cab which still sits on the hardstand in Fullers Mead.

In 1967 he opened the door to the Mormon Missionaries, that simple act changed the lives of many people, his wife, his children, his brother and cousin who he introduced to the church, also other people we have met along the way on missions, in congregations, in our homes. He struggled with the many rules and regulations we have in this church but the scriptures teach us ‘How great shall be your joy if you bring in one soul to our Fathers Kingdom,’ Rod’s actions in his younger days have brought in dozens to the Lord’s kingdom, for this I hope God’s mercy and love have extended to Rod.

If there is a welcoming committee when we get to the other side he will now be reunited with his cousin Ray, his two brothers Charlie and Jimmy, his Mum and his Dad (though on opposite sides of the room), Joyce, Charlie, Gladys and Mac.

He will by now know the answers to some of the questions that have perplexed us all throughout our lives, the true nature of God, the creation of the world, Gods plan for our happiness throughout eternity, on a lighter note he will have learnt that football not formula one is the greatest sport of all time. 

He would have been furious that he missed the British Grand Prix and delighted to have missed the entire Olympics and the rest of our damp summer, no more caravanning holidays for the Wilkins family.

Of all the men I have known, he has probably spoken the fewest words, infuriating at the dinner table, but useful when trying to watch the news, In his last few months I spent more time with him than ever before, his eyesight was so poor, his strength and mobility drained away, we had no option but to talk. We talked about the past, about his Grandchildren, 6 wonderful young people he was very proud of, his two boys whom he found it so difficult to tell them he loved, his marriage which he admits he made a mess of, Molly who he loved and we talked of death which he was ready to embrace and we talked about God and what he could expect to see when he left this world.

For Rod religion and our relationship with God was mostly a theoretical concept rather than a lifelong devotion, he did believe in an afterlife, a judgement and an Eternal reward, he did not walk in the ways of this church, but he was never more than a few footsteps away, a sinner who needs the Lord, just like the rest of us.

There is a life after this one, It is my belief and conviction that we will rise up, at first without our mortal bodies and go to place of peace and rest, eventually to be resurrected. This understanding did not come easily to me, it came by prayer and study and personal revelation.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, who so ever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 16:3

1843  William. W. PHELPS TO JOSEPH SMITH: THE PROPHET.

VADE MECUM, (TRANSLATED.) GO WITH ME.

Go with me, will you go to the saints that have died,—

To the next, better world, where the righteous reside;

Where the angels and spirits in harmony be

In the joys of a vast paradise? Go with me.

Go with me where the truth and the virtues prevail;

Where the union is one, and the years never fail;

Not a heart can conceive, nor a nat’ral eye see

What the Lord has prepar’d for the just. Go with me.

Go with me where there is no destruction or war;

Neither tyrants, or sland’rers, or nations ajar;

Where the system is perfect, and happiness free,

And the life is eternal with God. Go with me.

Go with me, will you go to the mansions above,

Where the bliss, and the knowledge, the light, and the love,

And the glory of God do eternally be?—

Death, the wages of sin, is not there. Go with me.

Nauvoo, January, 1843.

Conclusion; I will miss you Dad, Rod believed we would live on, God’s mercy extends to all and all will return to live in God’s home and under His protective care, Jesus taught us that in Fathers house there are many mansions, my mother taught me that one of those will be a place of healing and another teaching, Rod will need to spend time in both, when he has and we can all see the finished article, all of Heaven will sit up and take notice, A choice spirit has returned.

Looking round his home, I was reminded of that C.S. Lewis quote “Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”  It is clear to see possessions did not mean anything to him, some worn out clothes, reference books gathering dust since his eyes became too weak to read, an old car on the hardstand, very little for a sentimental soul like me to take away as a memento, how do I keep his memory alive? I will remember and repeat the family stories we all like to hear and to tell, funny stories, cute things the grand children said and did, memories of pets and people. I’ll say things like ‘I remember when Dad was alive….’ And we as a family will keep him here until we are all reunited in Christ, I invite you all to do the same.